Early this morning in quiet Schaumburg neighborhood, a 40 year old woman was heard calling out for help by several of her neighbors. Awakened at 2:15 am by the yells, Lilly Nevell who lives next door says The woman was heard pleading, “anyone or anything that is holy in this world, come save me, please come save me”. As neighbors rushed to her aid, witnesses say that her face was “pale as a corpse with the firery eyes of satan”, while others say it was more peach in color. One man claims that ” she sounded like a moose with a broken leg giving birth.”
A few neighbors gained access to the woman by kicking in the side door on the garage and walking into the living room where the woman lay on the floor hunched over in the worst pain of her life. It was later discovered that the woman made the fatal mistake of eating chili, after turning 40. Emergency responders were not called to the scene after it was determined by one on looker that the situation might be somewhat manageable with his grandmothers “tried and true, all in one cure for what ails you.” He brought it over with post haste and now the middle aged woman is resting somewhat comfortably at home.
It was later suspected that her husband may have made the chili a little too spicy, causing the previous unknown problem. She says she is feeling much better now and that her husband will be practicing social distancing with everyone except for himself for awhile.
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